nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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