Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
