My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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