final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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