Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
