matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
