Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
