I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
