I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
