I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Never underestimate the power of titties
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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