even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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