go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
