You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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