It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
