why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
