It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
