Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
