How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize