Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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