mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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