im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
