apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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