The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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