I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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