I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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