It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
