if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
