my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize