Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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