Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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