....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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