john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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