The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
