i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
