remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
