Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
