i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
