As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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