Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
