I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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