The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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