In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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