eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
