I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
