if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
