dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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