we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your cock deserves a montage
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
