Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
