my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
