Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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