here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
