I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
