Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
