Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
