mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
