Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
